Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships (Understanding Attachment Styles)

Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships: Attachment Theory & Effective Connections How to Create Secure Attachments Through Understanding Attachment Styles

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All human beings are hardwired to look for connection to others, affection, intimacy, and closeness. But how we attach to and respond to these connections can be impacted by the way in which we learn to attach to others throughout our formative years of development. Attachment is an affectionate bond or tie between an individual and an attachment figure, which can be a caregiver, parent, or, into adulthood, a close friend or intimate partner. These bonds that we form with others help us to make sense of the world around us and allow for us to feel security amidst uncertainty. Humans are a herd species, meaning our basic instinct is to rely on others within our “pack” to help us feel safety, security, and protection – think, there is power in numbers.

Attachment theory is a proposal about how healthy and unhealthy attachment styles are formed, and, while it is not an exhaustive description of human relationships, it proposes ideas about how bonds between children and adults, and intimate adult relationships. We attach instinctively for survival, and, as many other psychological theories suggest, this ability to attach can be fractured when we learn that we cannot rely on others for our basic needs, or emotional needs, to be met. Attachment Theory is just that, a theory. there is extensive research around how knowing the attachment styles of others, how these attachment styles are triggered negatively, and how to respond to others attachment styles when they are seeking reassurance, can be incredibly effective in maintaining and managing any relationship in adulthood. Learning how to pinpoint an individual’s attachment style, and having compassion for where these styles are learned, can help you form and manage better romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships, and even the relationship you struggle with at work (why is my boss always targeting me? Well, maybe I trigger their anxious attachment style). What is Attachment Theory? In short, attachment theory is a psychological explanation for the emotional bonds, connections, and relationships between people, especially those between a parent and a child and those between intimate partners. The theory focuses primarily on long-term bonds and the theory suggests that there are four different types of attachment an individual can form based on early experience with caregivers, or experiences which occur in romantic relationships. Attachments are somewhat fluid and, with time and experience, an insecure attachment style can become more secure, or a secure attachment can become insecure. The theory was first formulated by the psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950’s and placed emphasis on the idea that children have to develop a relationship with at least one caregiver to develop normally in both a social and emotional way. The way in which we seek attachment differs throughout various stages of development. For instance, infants learn attachment when they cry out of requiring a need (like food, comfort, diaper change, etc.) and that need is met or not met by a caregiver. Because infants eyesight only allows for them to see 12 inches in front of them, this means that in order to develop healthy attachments, they require close proximity and physical touch in situations which they find stressful (in infancy, these stressful situations are usually just being hungry, having gas or a wet diaper, simple needs). Later on in childhood, a child will form healthy attachments when they learn that they can venture and explore the world, but have a secure base or attachment figure (people who are familiar, responsive caregivers) that they can return to, especially in stressful situations which, at this stage in life, can be getting hurt, being scared, and other distressing things which we begin to learn about the world around us. Attachment theory was explored further by Mary Ainsworth, a student of Bowlby, in the 1960’s and 70’s, and she is largely responsible for the development of the first 3 styles of attachment – secure, avoidant, and anxious, with the fearful attachment style being introduced later on. In the 1980’s, attachment theory was extended to attachments in adulthood and the impact of individual attachment styles, and their fluidity, on romantic partnerships. Modern attachment theory is based on three principles: 1. Bonding is an intrinsic human need 2. Regulation of emotion and fear to enhance vitality 3. Promoting adaptiveness and growth Attachment behaviors and emotions which can be seen in most social primates (including humans) are adaptive – meaning, the long-term evolution of these species has involved selection for social behaviors that make individual or group survival more likely. In humans, early experiences with primary caregivers will gradually create a system of thoughts, memories, beliefs, and expectations about themselves and others. This system in attachment theory is called the “internal working model of social relationships,” and continues to develop throughout our lifetimes with time and experience and is often the determining factor around our emotions and behaviors in regards to our attachment to others.

What are the Four Attachment Styles?

• Secure Attachment

Individuals with a secure attachment have a healthy amount of self-esteem, autonomy, resilience in the face of adversity, are able to cope with and manage impulses and feelings, maintain long-term friendships and relationships, have healthy coping skills, are trusting of others and seek out an adequate/acceptable amount of intimacy and affection without withdrawing, have a generally positive and hopeful belief system about most areas of their life and can practice empathy and compassion within their relationships. These types generally maintain long-term partnerships an promote ongoing secure attachments within their interpersonal relationships (intimate partner, children, parents, etc.). These individuals usually do better over time than their insecure counterparts.

This attachment style forms from having parents that model a secure attachment style, receiving an adequate amount of support and attention from their primary caretakers, and, when they express a need that needs to be met, generally have those needs met by their caretaker which allows for them to be, overall, more trusting of their peers.

• Anxious Preoccupied

Anxious Preoccupied attachment style is marked by low self-esteem, a negative view of oneself, an inferiority complex, and a reliance or over-dependence on others and their approval. Anxious preoccupied individuals fear abandonment and rejection, have a strong need for close or intimate relationships, often have a difficult time trusting others, and are acutely in tune to the emotions of others. These people will often jump to conclusions about their partner’s mood and behaviors due to their fears.

Early childhood experiences that may cause this attachment style can come from stressful or traumatic events, inconsistent responses from caregivers in infancy, uncertainty about whether the child’s needs will be met due to the on/off availability of the primary caregiver, or overprotective parenting which causes the child to pick up on the parent’s anxiety. This attachment style can also develop in adulthood from experiences of inconsistencies in romantic partners or friends. Partners that display inconsistent affections or emotional abuse can cause this insecure attachment style.

• Dismissive Avoidant

Individuals with the dismissive avoidant attachment style are extremely self-sufficient, often struggling with asking for or accepting help, they set many boundaries in relationships, and withdraw from their partners or friends when they feel they are getting too close. These individuals can be very secretive and rigid, others can perceive these types as being cold and distant, or generally closed-off. When these types get into relationships, they are often short or the relationship lacks depth and the connections are relatively casual, ending quickly. Many of these character traits come from a desire to avoid feeling closeness to others or reliance on them.

Factors in childhood that play a part in individuals forming this attachment style are dismissive parenting, lack of response from caregivers, and unmet needs. When children fail to get the attention or care that they need from their parents, a learned belief that expressing their needs will not get them met, or when their needs are ignored by caregivers altogether, individuals begin to develop this attachment style, thus the learned behavior of extreme independence. In adulthood, these individuals feel as though they have to be self-reliant otherwise their needs will not be met.

• Fearful Avoidant

The fearful avoidant individual are a combination of the preoccupied and the dismissive avoidant styles. These individuals often feel they are unlovable and feel they cannot trust others to support them or accept them. Fearful avoidant types believe that, inevitably, they will be rejected which is what causes them to withdraw from relationships when they begin getting close.

This type in particular, though, strongly desires intimacy and connection with others because feeling accepted by others is what allows them to feel better about themselves. These types want love, yet they avoid it out of fear of rejection or abandonment.

This attachment style is formed in childhood when one (or both) of the parents or caretakers displays frightening behavior, like emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, which forces the child to learn that when they seek out the caregiver for support or comfort, the caregiver cannot or will not provide it. The caregiver is not a safe or secure person for the child to be around and actually serves as a source of distress for them. The child’s natural impulse is to approach the caregiver for these emotional needs, but as they begin to approach, they will stop and withdraw instead. This behavior in particular is carried over into adulthood where the individual will begin to approach their partner for comfort or support then begin to withdraw instead. Attachment Style Relationship Traps The Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Cycle First, we must understand how these two individuals function in a relationship together:

• The anxious preoccupied attachment individual wants more connection, time spent together and validation from their partner

• The dismissive avoidant attachment individual feels uncomfortable with the amount of intimacy their partner wants, but feels the pressure to meeting these demands/expectations of their partner
  

The dismissive avoidant partner usually struggles with feelings of guilt and, when they give in to the expectations or demands of their partner, they begin to feel resentful towards their partner. Conversely, they may also experience a feeling of suffocation from their partner which causes them to begin to withdraw from their partner, usually without properly communicating what they are experiencing, feeling, or what their needs in the situation might be. As the anxious preoccupied individual begins to notice these behaviors (they are very in tuned to their partner’s emotions, keep in mind), the take more steps to close the gap in which the avoidant partner has created in attempting to distance themselves from the intimacy their anxious partner is craving. The anxious partner will usually give up eventually and stop try, at which point the avoidant partner will re-engage, pulling their anxious partner back into the relationship. This cycle is continued on and on, and can result in years-long ineffective relationships, or a series of ineffective relationships that mirror this cycle.

How Does the Knowledge of Attachment Styles Increase Effectiveness In Your Relationships? Notice we didn’t use the word “better.” There is no promise with knowledge of attachment styles that suggests your relationships will be “saved.” There is, however, evidence that these relationships will become more effective, meaning that our ability to function and communicate within the relationship will improve, and that our responsiveness to our partners will be effective in that it will garner a better response from them. Individuals will insecure attachment styles may come off as needy or clingy in their close relationships, or they may be perceived as selfish or manipulative – this is not necessarily so. These behaviors are a response to the insecure attachment style being triggered from the response of a partner to the individual’s needs, fears, etc.

An individual’s attachment style helps to explain how each person responds to emotional intimacy, conflict, communication and understanding needs and emotions, and expectations in a relationship. Individuals with a secure attachment style, for example, feel comfortable with intimacy and usually come off as warm and loving. People with an anxious attachment style crave intimacy and are preoccupied with their relationships; the avoidant attached person equates intimacy with the loss of independence and either avoids (hence the name) or minimizes closeness with their partners. Understanding these attachment styles in ourselves an others are a reliable way to predict behavior and responses in romantic, as well as other, relationships. This information can promote closeness, improve chances for success, and overall just help you to understand your partner (or your mom, your boss, etc.) better – we all know that we crave to be understood, so when your partner feels understood, they will inherently feel more secure in the relationship. If you have a boss, for example, who has an anxious preoccupied attachment style and they rely on you to complete certain tasks which ensure the business’ survival, chances are you will encounter some of the behaviors associated with an anxious preoccupied attachment style. So they may pester you relentlessly leading up to deadlines, shut down or ignore you when they perceive you as being dismissive or not meeting expectations, they may struggle to communicate exactly what they need from you, and any form of anger they have about unexpected outcomes may end up getting directed at you. There are ways that you can change your responsiveness to mitigate these negative behaviors to help them to feel more secure. For instance, updating them on your own volition regularly about progress you’ve made on a particular project and when you expect it to be completed, taking initiative to ask them whether you are meeting expectations or whether those expectations have changed, and reiterating back to them what you’ve perceived your functions to be (i.e. “I’m hearing that you would like me to prioritize this project right now, is that correct?”) – these can all be beneficial in helping to reduce the anxious behaviors of your anxious preoccupied boss and help to make this relationship less stressful for both of you and increase effectiveness at work. How to break the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle It is important to keep in mind that you are not striving to be more like your partner – again, I repeat, you are not attempting to mirror your partner’s insecure attachment. What we’re trying to move towards is more secure attachment styles which allow for increased effectiveness in relationships. Both the anxious preoccupied attached individual and the dismissive avoidant attached individual do not feel safe or secure in their relationships, and they express this lack of trust in different ways, but THEY BOTH ARE NOT SECURE. Becoming more securely attached is an ongoing process for anyone who has developed any type of insecure attachment. A version of awareness is required in order to move towards a more secure attachment within your relationships. Here are some key factors to begin working towards breaking this cycle: 1. Awareness of your own attachment style. You must know how you attach to others and how your behaviors and mood shift when your attachment style is triggered. Without any awareness of your own attachment style, you will likely blame your partner for why your relationship and the communication within it is not working. 2. Self-Regulation. Self-regulation is the ability to manage one’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in response to internal and external stressors. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has a number of strategies to develop self-regulation tactics in cobating negative thought patterns, learning coping strategies, and developing problem-solving abilities. 3. Co-Regulation. Co-regulation is like self-regulation, except regulating those thoughts and emotions with the help of your partner. This requires effective communication of your needs and emotions in a healthy, non-manipulative way and increases effective response from your partner. All in all, it is possible to have a healthy relationship between an anxiously preoccupied person and a dismissive avoidant person, but it requires work an effort on both partner’s parts. Keep in mind that this effort required may go against what their attachment style tells them. How to Create More Secure Attachments The reality is, you cannot go back to your childhood or past relationships and re-create emotional responsiveness from others that will inevitably lead you to developing a secure attachment style. The past is the past, we have something new now. It would be wonderful if the whole world grew up in a stable, trusting environment, but this is a privilege in our modern society. There are many ways to begin working towards developing a secure attachment style in adulthood. 1. Start to pay attention to how you feel in relationships. Awareness is always the first step, right? Awareness is necessary for change. Notice interactions and situations which tend to trigger highly emotional states within you – recognize the feeling that is brought up. Take a pause prior to responding, especially if the impulse is to have a highly emotionally driven response (yelling, crying, anxiety attack, panic, etc.). 2. Combat cognitive distortions. These are untrue or unreliable thoughts that we have that are usually centered around judgment, assumption, or bias. These pop up in a myriad of ways, mostly to the extent of impacting our emotions negatively. Once you develop an awareness of what these cognitive distortions look like and the social interactions which trigger them, you can better begin to combat them. In situations where you see these thoughts arising, ask yourself if you have concrete evidence to support these thoughts, or if you’re making presumptions based on how you’re interpreting them. 3. Dig into the past and heal your inner child. If you have an insecure attachment style, this can sometimes be tied to a traumatic experience from childhood and may require professional help in order to work through this. Don’t hesitate to seek out help from a professional, not just to increase the effectiveness of your relationships, but to become more secure in yourself, as well. 4. Build Self-esteem. There’s an old adage “We build self-esteem through doing esteemable acts.” What makes you feel good to do? For many people, because of the nature of humanity, it feels good to serve others and give back. Through doing things that contribute to the world around you and the humanity we live in, we are able to feel better about ourselves and honor our worth of what we have to contribute to others. 5. Learn to be alone and show up alone. This will go a long way in helping you to feel secure in yourself, and also to not interrupt the space of avoidant attached people who require a certain amount of space but also want to help fulfill your needs. The avoidant individual usually spends quite a bit of time alone as a child, and thus, requires some alone time to “recharge” in adulthood. Give them the space they need to recalibrate, and learn to love doing things alone as well. Another aspect of this is the fact that, whether you believe it or not, you’re able to attend to social activities without your partner. Don’t miss out on life and things you want to do just because your partner’s attachment style tells them to shy away from these experiences. Your comfort in doing these things alone will show your partner that you are comfortable enough in yourself to not require them at all times – this will help them to feel more secure as well. 6. Create an atmosphere of safety. Your partner’s values may differ from yours, and their process of working through emotions and thought patterns may look a lot different as well. Work to understand their perspective and offer a safe, open space to discuss how these look to each of you and sort out what it looks like to meet in the middle and compromise without either of you feeling violated. Part of creating safety is also practicing acceptance. Accept your partner as they present themselves to you, we should never be in the position to try and change someone, unless we’re pushing them to grow. Even in encouraging growth in others, we should be careful to understand our role in their life. If the person you are pushing to grow is your subordinate at work, that certainly is your responsibility; if they’re your romantic partner, it may come off as scrutinizing if your are pushing them and they perceive it as you believing they are unworthy or not good enough the way that they are naturally. 7. Understand how your partner views ‘needs.’ Your partner, depending on their attachment style, may no overtly put their needs out there. This is where observation can become important and picking up on body language cues or more covert expression of needs. Some avoidant partners don’t understand the idea of mutual dependency and usually rebel against this idea or the feeling that it arouses. If your partner has an attachment style that is different from your own, they may get confused in the way that you express your needs and get frustrated as a result. Working towards an understanding of how your partner expresses this will help to make the relationship, and the meeting of one another’s needs, more effective. 8. Avoid controlling others behaviors. Attempting to control your partner feels invalidating to them. Avoidant partners, especially, can be sensitive to feeling controlled by others and this often triggers their desire to withdraw from the relationship. 9. Practice healthy communication, even when it feels foreign. There’s a few things that go into this: talking when you are calm, avoiding criticism, validate their feelings, paraphrasing complaints as requests, and, if they check out, revisit the conversation later. Using “I statements,” emphasizing how you feel (i.e. “I feel anxious when you don’t communicate your plans to me”) helps to take the burden off of them and highlights what your response is to their behavior, helping to increase their understanding of how they effect you. When you discuss these things in a calm, frank, open manner, instead of when you’re engaged in an argument, they will likely be more receptive and won’t shut down. Instead of criticizing your partner when they do things you don’t like, use positive reinforcement when they are doing things you appreciate (i.e. “I love when you spend time with me,” when you two are going out to a movie together). When your avoidant or anxious partner starts to shut down mid-conversation, I can guarantee the conversation is no longer effective in solving problems within the relationship. When you notice they have shut down, offer to continue the conversation later so that you can better get your needs communicated. Continuing to engage after someone has hit their limit is pointless and triggers fears within any insecure attachment.